By patriciakellypassarelli
In the nation known as USA, pronounced
yoozah, a series of unexpected occurrences or perhaps ‘tradgedies’ sent waves of shock and relief across its population. The citizens of USA became unexpectedly afraid and happy simultaneously. One day it’s self-appointed leader (SAL) was accidentally killed. He managed to convince his two male security agents to allow him to ride on the roof of his HUMMER, shouting “Giddy-up!”, as the driver, SAL's friend Schvarney, did burnouts around the backbrush of his ranch. When Schvarney skidded, hitting a tree stump, SAL was hurled violently into the air. Before Schvarney could regain control of the vehicle he accidentally crushed SAL’s head like a grape. Because there were several diplomatic visitors at SAL’s ranch —some who had witnessed the tragedy—it was impossible for the press secretary to blame it on terrorists, although they tried to find a way to blame anyone except SAL. The two agents, who permitted SAL’s wreckless indulgence, resigned quietly, moved to Canada and got married.
The people waited desperately, glued to televsion sets and I’net terminals to see what the vice-leader would say to them about becoming USA’s new leader by default. They were stunned when he never appeared on any information source; he had disappeared. It would be discovered months later by CNNBBC-Span that the vice-leader had emigrated to The United Arab Emirates to live in his palace named Duxanax.
Then the people wondered if the secretary of state (SOS) would be appointed—if that was the next logical step but they didn’t know. The people didn’t follow the rules of government anymore because, well, neither did the government.
But soon it was evident that the SOS wouldn’t step into SAL’s position either. At SAL’s funeral, a cat-fight ensued between the secretary of state and SAL’s widow Aural. After the SOS flung herself onto SAL’s coffin moaning in pain about losing her only true love, Aural and her sorority sisters scratched the SOS’s eyes out while the secretary of defense, Rumhead, howled and whistled at the sight of women fighting. SAL’s widow then returned to her home state and married CP,
her only true love. The SOS was granted permanent worker’s compensation and appointed do the weekly official podcast called, “Blind for the Nation.”
Time passed and no new leader was appointed, not even self-appointed. It seemed noone really wanted the position. And the people went back to excessive eating and oil comsumption and noticed that it didn’t matter; that the nation could be led by the House of Senate, Representatives and Judges.
From that year onward—and after The White House and few convertible-to-amusement-rides monuments were sold to the Disney Corporation (now run my secretary of defense)—the nation of "yoozah" never again had a one-person leader.